If you read the title... then you already know why this is here. Because that is everything wrong with everything.
I mean, heck, I did a little bit of research on this one before I decided to throw it on the pile of crap. Admittedly not a lot of research mind you, but research nonetheless. Research that was limited only to the absolute WORST promotional video I've ever seen. It is literally a full minute of the main character struggling, her face so close to the camera you can't really tell what's going on. Also, she's giving you the most lewd cries that you can possibly imagine.
To put it into perspective, here's a few of the tags from anidb: Breast Fondling, Skimpy Clothing, Nudity.
Yep. It's the exact opposite of Free!. It even has an exclamation mark in its title.
In addition to the other 'research' I did, I also previewed like, the first minute of this show. It is summarized in the following sentence: The character struggles on the mat, pinned to the ground, moaning as seductively as possible and screaming 'no it hurts!' and thinking to herself, "that was the day everything started".
All while sounding as though she's about to climax, of course.
By the way, if you really needed any indicator of how this show is going to go, the first five seconds of the opening sequence involve the main character showing her rack off in her wrasslin' uniform. It also has this little gem in it:
Man, what is this, TnA?
You get three guesses as to what she's likely to do with those scissors, and the first two don't count.
My original outfit isn't skimpy enough so I have to wear
this while I do my training montage.
If you haven't been able to somehow tell by the title of the show, this is about a Japanese Idol who, literally, decides to become a wrestler one day. Then the episode actually begins and OH JESUS.
A SEIZURE WARNING WOULD'VE BEEN NICE.
See those little dots in that image? Those are glowsticks. A normal thing to find at a concert. AND ALL OF THEM ARE MOVING. IN THE SAME DIRECTION. AT THE SAME SPEED. AT THE SAME TIME. IT IS INCREDIBLY NAUSEATING AND IF THIS SHOW'S CONTENT ALONE WASN'T GOING TO SEND YOU TO THE HOSPITAL? THIS PROBABLY WOULD!!!
Thankfully I'm not epileptic. But I warn those of you who are: STAY AWAY FROM THIS SHOW. YOU ARE WARNED. For that matter, if you are reading this blog anyways, you should already be aware YOU SHOULD NOT WATCH THE THINGS I POST HERE. Not unless you're incredibly stupid. Or you think I'm lying.
Don't come back to me crying about how I warned you because I TOTALLY WARNED YOU.
SOMEBODY CALL ME AN AMBULANCE.
So there's some kind of contest about who is going to be an awesome idol or something. Sakura and... some other chick I dunno, they're doing the idol contest thing and... what.
... I'm going to need to go to the hospital aren't I. I'm
beginning to hallucinate.
Three minutes. That's all it's taken for my brain to completely unhinge itself. What kind of contest IS THIS? For that matter, why are they even trying to become idols because they would sure as hell make much better gymnasts. And if they are competing why do they do THE EXACT SAME MOVE?! So the Sweet Diva this year is Sakura. She's the one with the black hair, and she gets to be the center vocalist. Again. No hard feelings though right? I mean, it's not like she's managed to win this thing the last three times as well, which incidentally is how long this contest has been running.
Bitch I WILL SMOTHER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.
So she's just a little bit pissy about this, but she's totally not gonna hold a grudge, and even says on stage she will totally not lose next time. Then we get the obligatory shower scene, which is clearly only censored because of the station it aired on. In the DVD/BR release? You're going to see some full on nipplage because that is how this show sells itself. By showing naked girls. Like so many other shows.
Free! would have tried to do that, but somehow schlongs are a much harder sell on TV than boobs.
So Sakura gets accosted by two of her 'friends' while in the shower.
I am so happy you got those words all in the correct order.
Cue the breast massage and the "your chest is surprisingly muscular!" comment. While still being "soft". In short, SHE IS A WALKING IMPOSSIBILITY. Because breasts do not work that way. But hey, who actually cares? Certainly not the folks wanking off this to tittyfest already, because you've got four honkers quacking off all in the same scene here. Just hanging loose, flopping about. Wait, no, five. Because the rival is also getting felt up now by the interviewees.
Then the girls get told that they're all going to be getting a lot of work. One job which is... a beginner's trial lesson at being a pro wrestler. To be broadcast live. Yes, because that could never, ever go horribly wrong. Why not subject one of your precious idols to something so incredibly, physically demanding and crazy dangerous?
So their manager asks for volunteers, and Sakura's all "sure I'll bite". Then Elena (her rival, the one who looks like she wants to stab the chick who beat her out for the lead) is all "I WILL GO TOO YEAH."
I'm sure she doesn't want to vent all of her pent-up
aggression towards her bitter rival on live TV at all.
So they arrive at the gym of the wrestling team. They are called... Berserk.
The agency they are coming from? It's called Sweet. I'm going out on a limb and guessing that naming conventions? Probably not at the top of the list of things they should seriously think about. Oh, and some of the members of this team are world-ranked wrestlers or something, and they're known for being pretty violent.
With a name like Berserk, I can't say I'm surprised. But then they get inside.
Like with many things in life, these ladies find that
what things are smaller than anticipated.
Sakura walks over to a punching bag and promptly knocks herself over, only to be asked by her rival: Why in the hell would you choose this job? Oh, easy: Because everyone else was scared, and she thought it might be something neat for the future of their agency.
... yeah no, I think that's probably the biggest crock of shit ever. Hell, I'm gonna go on record and just say Free! was better than this show already, and we're not even at the halfway point of the first episode. Though to be fair... the crushing realization of how superior Free! was to this show was easily noticeable by about a minute after the seizure-inducing light show.
Just like the perfect Japanese woman. Know your place!
Then Elena jumps up on one of the posts, starts posing like an idiot, and falls when some silver-haired bitch yells at her for being, well, a complete idiot. She then proceeds to climb into the ring, where said orange-haired girl has fallen, and gives her the most menacing glare imaginable.
Watch where you point that chin, you could take
someone's eye out with that thing.
Her name is Rio. And she dances through the sand. Just like the river twisting through that dusty land. She gets all huffy at Elena, and then Sakura apologizes, saying that the ring is probably as sacred a thing to the wrestlers as it is to those girls and any stage they perform on. As if they weren't both stages where things are performed. Because, y'know. Wrestling is fake.
YES I SAID IT AND IT IS TRUE. Yes people get hurt but that is because ACCIDENTS HAPPEN. Everything that happens on TV is staged. That's just how it is and if you can't accept that WHY ARE YOU EVEN READING THIS GEEZ. IT IS CALLED ENTERTAINMENT FOR A REASON.
Incidentally, the whole "wrestling is fake" thing isn't why I choose not to watch it. I just don't like the spectacle of it that much. That's just how it is.
So guess what? They're about to go live!
And that *had* to be the first words out of your mouth...
They proceed to film the girls in their bikinis doing things like kicking bags and talking about how easy all of this is because they are totally dance masters, wrasslin' is child's play. Then Rio is all "orly?" and prepares to give her a verbal smackdown involving... daffodils coming out of their ears.
That's uh. Some pretty... potent stuff yeah. And Sakura is, amazingly, the voice of reason being all "well duh, we're amateurs you can't expect us to compete on the pro level" but Elena, she's having none of that. She wants to experience one of those "pro moves" firsthand.
Five seconds later, Rio is choking her opponent from behind while Elena's chest is splayed out in front of the camera. Just saying that makes it seem like we're watching a porn video. Fortunately, we aren't. Unfortunately, the audio would have any listener thinking otherwise.
Lots of closeups, lots of sexually-charged screaming, and let's not forget the closeups of the crotches. Then Rio gets bored, but Elena refuses to give up, and is gut-punched because she's a dumbass. Then Sakura does the scary glare thing, and outside one of the other wrestlers is talking to a sports writer. Who also happens to be... a woman. How odd. But they hear noises from inside and they see Sakura squaring off against Rio, who is doing surprisingly well, what with doing flying kicks and shit without breaking a sweat. It's because she's the main character (and also she has amazingly large breasts, that clearly helps).
Yeah, their power is boobs. Boobs. Never underestimate
the power of boobs. Her eyes are up there.
Rio goes to walk away, but Sakura calls her a coward and she gets amused and decides to make this an actual match. Contra... what? Is she trying to reference the Konami code and failing or something? I think she meant to say something like "mano et mano". Only woman to woman. Or something.
Oh, I get it. It's spanish. Woman to woman. That makes sense. Why you had to say it in spanish though... are you trying to cash in on the Luchadore fame? So Sakura vows to win, no matter what, and Rio walks off, and she asks herself, what's a cable era? It's not long before her face is plastered all across the city. And tickets get sold out.
We're the only male figures slated to appear in this series,
which is why none of us appear to be standing on
the same level floor.
Sakura gets to training, and that seems to involve her boobs jiggling around and showing off her crotch while kicking a bag, because sex appeal is all that this show is about. After a training montage, she's ready for the big time. On one half of the arena, all of her idol fans, and on the other... people who actually watch wrestling. Yeah, seems fair.
So the two girls stare down at the mat and the match starts, with Sakura pretty much looking like she's handing Rio's ass up on a platter, but really she's just letting Sakura beat teh shit out of her. Then she decides to get real and straight up gut blasts her, and pretty much starts fondling her all over the place while Sakura makes all those cute little sexy moans that you are clearly watching this show for. What, you expect me to say anything else? That's all this show is, just an excuse to watch women feel each other up while beating the living shit out of the other.
Then comes the part where Rio pulls one of Sakura's legs up backwards, and we are treated to a nice, ten second focus of Sakura's sweaty crotch, which is clearly the most important aspect of this show.
I thought that Free! was bad, that they were shameless. But holy shit does this show take the cake. At least Free! had the decency to pretend they were trying to play it straight, this show? It doesn't even try hiding itself. It's straight up, in your face HEY LOOK HERE HAVE SOME BOUNCING TITS AND SHOTS OF CROTCHES GIVE US MONEY LOOK AT HOW IT WIGGLES.
Oh, and then we get to the part where they spend the next minute with her doing nothing but moaning and showing off said crotch, repeatedly. Which is exactly what we saw in that promo video. Then there's choking and boobs being held up, and pretty much being tortured over and over because that's what the guys want to see.
But to add insult to injury, Rio decides to pull Sakura upside down, and force her into a spread-eagle position, showing off for all the lovely cameras that are clearly rolling, and you already know they're gonna want a rematch because this one is gonna sell so hot. Incidentally, you know everyone's going to want her to do porn next. That's just how Japan works.
See? That's Japan for ya.
Also lots of photobombs going off, and Sakura is humiliated. Just like any good hentai. Then Rio asks her to give up, and she refuses, so it's time for more choking. Caught in a sleeper hold, this show has me wondering when I might fall asleep because that's just how freaking boring this is.
Thirty seconds later, she finally loses consciousness, and the fight is over.
So now, it's time to cut the idol's hair, because that was the deal - you lose the match, you lose your hair, so Sakura's all "okay, let's do it, bring it". Despite her rival's desperate plea. Then all the fanboys watch on in horror as the precious idols' hair is being cut, which is almost as bad as being totally unable to do anything. Which is still not quite as bad as being so utterly delusional that you have no concept of what the real world is.
I guess my youthful optimism was pointless after all!
But there's a surge of emotions welling up from within. What could it possibly be? Then her idol buddies come over to make her feel better, but after Rio straight up insults Sweet Diva, she demands a rematch.
Bitch you just cut my hair, we're totally on the same level.
She also declares her intentions to go pro and beat the shit out of her, and nobody knows what the hell is going on. Definitely not her managers, who presumably pay her. If she's switching careers, who is going to continue paying her? I mean, seriously, that's like, so many different kinds of 'breach of contract' that I don't even know where to begin.
But who gives a flying f**k. This is a show about tits and snatch and assgrabs and piledrivers.
... y'know when I put it that way, this show sounds a lot more awesome than it actually is.
Then the ending plays, which is predictably a bunch of fat-tittied idols dancing around, and slow panning shots of characters standing around in random places devoid of any emotion whatsoever.
The secret to looking like a doll is to actually be a doll.
They're also nice enough to recycle some of the animation from the start of the f***ing episode. Yes, that is how lazy they are, they are literally using sequences from the start of the show IN THE ENDING OF THEIR SHOW. An ending that will continue to play for the next eleven episodes.
I'm sorry Free!. Truly, I'm sorry. I would rather put up with your lovingly homosexual swimming that have to put up with this shit.
... oh god I can't believe I actually just said that.
... somebody send me an ambulance.