Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Wanna Be the Strongest! Episode 02

So, there is a slight possibility pretty high chance I completely blanked this show out in a fit of alcohol-induced stupor since I originally watched the pilot episode.

I uh, also might have needed to refresh myself on the subject of this show.

So hi. Welcome. This is called Wanna Be the Strongest! It's the second episode. (In case you don't bother reading the titles, I mean, I sure don't anymore, they are bothersome and boring and not the point here.) This is a show about a girl. She wants to be the strongest, I guess. But really, this show is about a Japanese idol with big tits wrestling other girls with proportionally large busts. Also, lots of ass shots.

In case you were just joining us and didn't read the title or the first three paragraphs: This is an anime involving titties, ass, assgrabs, wrestling, and pile drivers. Are you onboard? Okay.

tl;dr: F**k it. Girls wrestle, the end.

Much like this show, I feel the need to constantly remind you of what we are watching here, because the target audience for this show is likely to have the attention span of a concussed goldfish. Since that is the case, here, have a screengrab, on me. You can fap to it if you want to. Odds are, you probably were already halfway to it.

She wants to beat you. Aw yeah.

Right, so for those of you who made it this far and still have no f***ing clue what's going on: Don't feel bad, you haven't missed much. Also, an extremely popular J-pop idol named Sakura decided to become a pro wrestler. And is currently apologizing to her staffing agency that has been very kind to her the last FIVE YEARS about the 'trouble' she 'might' be 'causing'.

Oh yeah, no, it's no big deal. You only had your snatch splayed out on live national TV. Nothing that Beyonce couldn't bounce back from.

So she's giving her manager this talk about how their 'pride' as idols has been spat upon, and how she totally wants to defend that shit, and the manager is all "yeah, cool, whatevs". Why? Because even though she is the most popular idol in Japan? Odds are her popularity just tanked, and the only way to possibly salvage any of this mess is to go through and play this insane gambit all the way through.

And of course the press wants to know from Elena, who's been playing second fiddle, how she feels about the whole Sweet Diva losing their lead vocalist:


See, the fun part about being second fiddle all the time? Once the first chair is gone, that only leaves you to step up. It's kind of like a battlefield promotion. Except you don't have to shank the bitch sitting next to you to get it. Or to convince someone else to do it for you even. It's just a think that totally happens and so what if that other person ruins their career because the spotlight is totally on you now, fulfilling all of your heart's little desires. Except the ones that involve the brutal murder of the person who's constantly beaten you time and again but hey, silver linings and all that jazz.

Of course our protagonist is one of those stupidly naive individuals who believes that Elena is truly just being the sweet, caring person that she pretends to be because it is totally her f***ing job. Cue the intro full of tits and ass and big-breasted girls acting like they have emotions.

Upon the return: Enter the offices of Berserk. No, not the comic. The one where they practice wrasslin' or some shit. Sakura is talking to their president who is all "the hell you talking to me for, get int eh ring and train yourself!" Then he leaves her in the care of some chick named Nishihara Ryo to "check her physical condition". I guess I'll just call this one Ryo since that's likely the name they'll be shoving in our faces for the rest of the foreseeable series. Off they go, and we get to see some boobies flopping and crotches moving and people talking about how this idol totally isn't going to work out at all.

Cue Sakura benching iron to music that sounds like it belongs in a 90's training montage, and some other girls surprised that she hasn't passed out from being forced to endure a relatively insane workout regimen.

"She must be showing me the strength of a national idol group center vocalist."

No. I am fairly sure that an idol should not be capable of bench pressing Vin Diesel's weight twenty times without hardly breaking a sweat. After doing like, a thousand pushups or something. This girl is clearly not on the Kanye workout. She is... an anime protagonist.

I hope you are prepared to watch the same thing for the next fifteen seconds, because they're going to loop as much animation as they are legally allowed to get away with that don't involve hefty fines, jail times, or lynch mobs. Though between you and me, I'd keep your pitchforks and torches handy just in case, because I'm detecting a high chance of severe f**kitry coming up in the next fifteen minutes.

Hey remember this sequence from the intro? Hope you

like watching it for the next fifteen seconds.

In case you're wondering, the production for this show is absolutely atrocious. They mask it by making all of the images look pretty, but it's a lot easier to make things look pretty when you barely have anything moving whatsoever. Except for the camera, which is usually either A: focused on someone's face, B: focused on a person repeating the same action three to fifty times, or C: focused on or panning towards/across an inanimate object. Like the sign to the gym. This is the second time in two minutes I've been forced to look at the god damn thing. I GET IT. WE ARE AT THE F***ING GYM. I KIND OF GOT THAT IMPRESSION THE FIRST TIME YOU SHOWED ME THE SIGN. YOU DO NOT NEED TO RE-ESTABLISH THAT WE ARE AT THE F***ING GYM YOU ASSHOLES.

So now it's time for Sakura to get in the ring and fight someone. Which is code for forcing her to endure piledrivers, toe holds, and all sorts of things that make the other girls wonder what the hell is going on. Also choke holds, faces in crotches, sexy moans, and those dead sweaty faces you see in just about every mindbreak hentai or doujin in all of existence.

Who needs context? Not this show.

I haven't seen levels of this sort of depravity since... since... since f***ing Ikki Tousen. And that's a show about high school girls fighting and ripping each other's CLOTHES OFF WITH DRAGON-EMPOWERED MARTIAL ARTS. That show is on a whole other level: that one is so full of self-loathing because it wanted so hard to be a hentai, it pushed the literal boundaries until the very end when it just said "eh f**k it have some nipples and no more sexual stuff". This show is pushing it, but on whole other levels. They want people to fap to this show. But they also want to make sure that this shit continues to air.

Can I just remind the audience that this girl is 17? I'm not sure that really constitutes as barely legal in Japan, and this is a currently airing show. Not the 90's.

So after being subjected to all the torture, and listening to those other girls going "whoa dude wtf, we couldn't even do this", Sakura stands up and goes, "Thank you sir, may I have another?" At which point, her trainer looks a little bit too happy about this.

In fact, she looks distressingly far too happy.

Your face when you find that perfect sub....

So she gets all excited because this girl is so stupidly insane, she could 'change the face of women's pro wrestling forever'. Cue the Rocky montage of running in the streets, jiggling her boobs as she jump-ropes, and showing you that forever gif of her shoving her ass in your face over. And over. And over. Still images? Stock footage that has already been used? That same f***ing bench press sequence for the THIRD F***ING TIME?! Check, check, check, check... f**k it they're all there. Including lots of other stuff you have already seen less than FIVE MINUTES AGO.

Cut to the president's door. Again. And The president putting paperwork down. Again. And the scene where the camera pans up exactly the same way it did earlier. Because animating is hard, so if you make your show 80% reusable, you only have to spend like what, a week between episodes to animate the actual two minutes of new footage that you will then edit into everything else you possibly can to cut back on your animation time even more?!

Oh my god this show is pissing me off and I'm not even at the halfway point yet. I will f***ing stab a bitch. Straight up.

The president asks about impressions of the new girl, and the results are inconclusive. So they decide to give her "the test". "The test" being wrestling against the best just before their debut.

Oh, and remember that intro sequence from the start of last episode? Y'know, the one that NEARLY GAVE ME A F***ING SEIZURE?!?!?! Well it's back.

Pretty sure this should count as a form of torture.

So Sakura watches the thing for two seconds before she is called off to go beat up on some more, and she enters a dark room, begging forgiveness for being late.

This is the exact thing that happens just before every

gang rape scene in any shitty hentai.

By the way, in case you were wondering? Here's the literal gang.

You gon' get raped.

It is at this point that Sakura wonders what is going on, and then the President shows up right behind her, arms tucked behind his back, and he asks her how long she's been here. She claims it's three months now. I claim bullshit, it's been less than ten minutes and I want my f***ing money back. He says, "you ready to debut as a pro wrestler?" And she's all like "hell yeah!"

To which he replies, "yeah even though I pay everyone, it's still somehow not my decision."

Their way may involve a strap-on of some sort.

Her final test is called "The Berserk special: Hell of a Hundred Throws!" I'm pretty sure that exclamation mark was important, so that's why I threw it in. Also, we get the dramatic midpoint. The test is simple: Everyone gets a chance to throw her ten times. Okay. No big deal. She wants this.

So we get to see her first throw. It sounds kind of like a sissy one but she's all bitching about it via internal monologue. Can she really take a hundred of those? Please. Not even Vin Diesel could. Does anyone give a flying f**k? Hell naw. they're gonna do it anyway. Cue her constantly asking for another, and them showing us varying degrees of what will inevitably become stock footage, if it hasn't already. Some of which involves boob jigglage. Then they bitch her out for being 'weak' and 'blah blah blah' and 'is that all' and she keeps getting up to take it all like a man. Or something.

They manage to get her to 90, and she stands up asking for more, and the girls are all "man, you should seriously stop now" and then that one bitch steps up with the silver hair, and Sakura is all "please throw me ten more times? Thanks."

She's literally been asking to get beat up repeatedly.

Are you just now wondering if this was a good idea?

She doesn't just ask to be thrown again, she straight up asks for all ten. So here we get some more lovely footage that we've already seen, and lots of static images of her getting thrown, and all those sexy moans that are likely going to make about ten thousand virgins splooge in their pants, and then Rio picks her up and starts choking the life out of her, taunting her even more. By the way, I'm absolutely certain there is zero relation to that other Ryo. I mean Rio and Ryo. Totes different. They just happen to have very similar names is all.

No, really, I even looked it up. Totally different characters. Whatever.

God will you stop with the tough bitch act already? Christ.

More throws, and we're finally on the last freaking one, and she gets up and asks for the final toss because screw it, what else is she going to do for the rest of this episode? Besides panting heavily and showing off her womanly parts. This pisses Rio off, and she slams her down on the mat as hard as possible, at which point she seems pretty much out.

Of course, she has to get up, because if she doesn't all this work was for nothing, so at the behest of everyone slamming on the mat, she decides she should probably get up and show us yet another crotch shot from behind, because we're sure you wanted to know what you'd be seeing if you wanted to take this seventeen-year-old for a spin doggy style.

Can I also be the first to point out that if she's been an idol for the last five years, she started singing when she was 12? Does that not strike anybody as incredibly freaking crazy? No? Okay then. I'll just conveniently forget about that too while we're at it.

Eventually she manages to heave those massive mams up into the air, at which point she goes crashing to the mat again, and Rio leaves. But Ryo is all "yo, you held back on that last one what gives?" and she's all "Pfft, whatevs, I need her to go pro so I can beat her ass again, duh".

Even though she was clearly shocked and/or angered at the whole still standing at the end there.

That's what she said.

So now Sakura has some new friends. Congratulations. Meanwhile her old rival is looking kind of pissy while doing jogging, and then we get a shower scene with the main character because we obviously needed that shit, and we flash back to last episode just in case you forgot about everything that they've been talking about this entire episode. Then it's time for her to have her debut match against someone I'm not even going to bother remembering the name of. Instead, I'm going to bitch about more incredible laziness.

How convenient. They all have EXACTLY THE SAME SEATS



Also I went to school for this so DOUBLY F**K YOU I CAN BE OUTRAGED IF I WANT TO.

This is the calmest out of control crowd ever. Just look at them.

Seriously, there's no animation here AT ALL. None! Yet people are cheering wildly, chanting for the wrestlers, and not a one of them moves a single, god damned muscle. Not a one.

Then the wrasslin' begins, and there's some kicking and pinning and hair pulling and suplexes and Sakura nearly pins her opponent in like thirty seconds, but then we get the face to the crotch move again.

Oh no, not crotch-to-the-face! My only weakness!

Cue that sequence where she is having her legs pulled while face-first on the mat, and she desperately reaches for the ropes in an attempt to escape. Because it's not like we've not seen that exact same f***ing thing last episode. OR EARLIER IN THIS EPISODE DURING A F***ING MONTAGE.

She grabs onto the rope but it's not use, as she is dragged away, and she starts fighting back, but the camera takes this time to zoom in on the fact that their butts are practically touching, and she is screaming so loud your mom will be convinced you must be watchingporn god damn it and she said NONE OF THAT IN THIS HOUSE MISTER.

Welcome back to Context Theater, where everything is

a sexual innuendo, regardless of context.

So now she is trying to find a way to get free, but she remembers: This is the pro ring, so she's gotta do something. So she gives up. That was the only course of action, but even so her fans are still going wild, and her opponent is seemingly gracious about the whole ordeal, asking her to come back for another match.

In an amazing bout of clarity, those reporter women are walking out and the one is all "yeah it's gonna be awhile before she wins her first match" and then the episode ends, probably because they realized they'd stretched this shit out more than Goatse's anus.


There is a certain level of terrible I am prepared to accept. That's why I'm here after all, to accept a certain level of terrible. There's even a certain level of ineptitude on part of the staff I'm willing to endure, because part of what makes a show terrible is the fact that the production crew probably has no idea what they are doing.

In this case? I am convinced these guys know exactly what they are doing. Because they use the same static shots, and the same f***king closeups, and they do not deviate from any of the formulas. But worst of all? Worst of all? They continue to flaunt the fact that they are re-using the same footage, over, and over, and over, as much as f***ing possible.

This, my friends, is Willful Disregard towards the audience. And I would have thought that anyone deserves better.

Hell, even the god damned Naruto fillers tended to have more animation substance than this shit, and those were all variations of fart, piss, and shit jokes.

Oh god. I've just realized something.

I would rather watch Naruto's Filler Hell than this.

... I think they may have done something very, very wrong with this show.
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