Saturday, October 5, 2013

Just Leave it to Uncle Argyle


By the courtesy and unflagging vigilance of the Right Honourable , I was recently made aware of an entertaining bit of information out of Scotland.

According to her and profiles, Beatrice Sgorbani is a young woman living in Edinburgh, Scotland, working as a "brand and business development executive" for an organization called . Her employer bills itself on as, "Your essential guide to what's happening near you."

Among Ms. Sgorbani's current projects is the one represented by the banner at the top of this article - "Fists Over Knives". To clarify, and in case the whole thing stages an internet disappearing act, I'll quote the mission of this campaign as she defines it on :

Brief: Stop young men from fighting with knives

Solution: Fighting with knives stops young men from being real men.

The idea is based on the insight that we can't stop men from fighting, meaning this in general: they've always fought and always will, it's a cultural-natural reaction. But we can stop them from degenerating, we can stop them from fighting with knives and weaponry. We can push on the fact that real men fight with their own fists an (SIC) their own strenght (SIC); if you use a knife, you're not that kind of men, or better, you're not a man.

For these kind of people that would carry a knife, that would use it, manhood is the trigger of their behaviour, it's the reason to act, it's what they want people to see in them, in their acts: if you take their manhood away from them, they have nothing. So our shot will be to make them feel that they're not the macho-man they think they are: they'd be the one people take the piss out of.

They might think that they send a message to people by using a knife, a message of strenght (SIC) and a macho-man halo; we're going to use that same blade they chose, to send them a message, a message of cowardice, of weakness.

So"insight"we can't stop men from fighting because that's the nature of menbut we CAN at least stop YOUNG men (because we all know us old men are a lost cause) from fighting with weapons of ANY kind - beginning with knives - by reserving all the sexual favours in the land for the ones who, in their ultimate demonstration of "manliness", express their innate berserker nature with their fists alone. That's it, isn't it Ms. Sgorbani? You're OK with fighting as long as it's fist fighting, and fist fighting earns all the pussy? You're good with promoting that for the good of society? The bigger the weapon, the shorter the penis? Interesting approach,coming from the same woman who also takes credit for this campaign she describes as a :



You can trust me that tanks of any brand or nationality, and mortars as well, are both a lot BIGGER, LONGER, and more DESTRUCTIVE than any knife, or PENIS for that matter, even the most MANLY man could wield; and so, alas, as per Ms. Sgorbani's assertion:

"we can't stop men from fighting, meaning this in general: they've always fought and always will, it's a cultural-natural reaction. But we can stop them from degenerating, we can stop them from fighting with knives and weaponry (LFM EMPHASIS). We can push on the fact that real men fight with their own fists an (SIC - LFM EMPHASIS) their own strenght (SIC - LFM EMPHASIS)."

our hearts go out to Tank Commander Callum MacLeod and Missile Operator David Hunter, who are both sadly identified in the posters above as being unworthy, at least according to Ms. Sgorbani, of any and all sexual comfort until they see the light, eschewing all weaponry upon the field but their bare hands as nature intended. Ah well, take heart Gentlemen, for Beatrice Sgorbani holds not the key that unlocks all the chastity belts in the land. I'll swear to it!

We're also left in a state of sympathy for those whose interest is bound to be fanned by her employer's headline, . It being an as yet unavailable weapon, the relevance of the "light saber" to penis length has yet to be discussed in any open forum, but I have no doubt we will return to it anon.

To conclude, and in all seriousness, the fact is that . Now, I should point out that a lot of UK "knife crime" is now being documented based on the simple fact that a person is IN POSSESSION of a knife, but here's the thing: not every swinging dick is under consideration - YOUTHS - and that alone should tell us something about how society must consider its role in having spawned the problem. As with most such issues, the underlying causes are varied, complex, and lost in the cacophony of political pundits proclaiming that they, and they alone, possess the cure. We see a similar pattern of bullshit in North America with the same response to so called , except at least here the target demographic isn't so clearly related to age. But getting back to Ms. Sgorbani again, here's another matter - Scotland also grapples with . Nobody is saying that the bigger your snoot full the smaller your pecker - least of all, Beatrice Sgorbani who has yet another campaign to her credit, this time flogging Jim Beam Red Stag whiskey that she describes thus:

A marketing campaign that focuses on the synergy between an online channel, a digital devise and the traditional media. How to promote your drink amongst the new generations? Well, talk their language!

A collaboration between the most famous social media Facebook and Red Stag to make everyone stand out from the crowd and be the first among their friends to like the product, to recommend it or share it! And since the conversation has to stimulated the old traditional media receive a new look thanks to Blippar. Scan the poster and interact with the advert to receive discounts!

"How to promote your drink amongst the new generations?"

"Scan the poster and interact with the advert to receive discounts!"

Wow. New generations are what again? Oh yeah! YOUNG people. Youth. Here's an example of her suggestions for that campaign, and at least for now, you can find the rest of it . Advertising, you see, is not about championing a noble cause. It's a form of prostitution, and the one who pays will get his fantasy fulfilled, if we let him.

I'll conclude with a return to the beginning of this piece, and a word to those of my readers who can separate their knives from their gonads. That should pretty much be all of you. , or for that matter, does not the offending act make, and here, to tidy us out, are the words of old Uncle Argyle speaking to young William Wallace in Braveheart. Politics and advertising be damned, he had it cold.
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