Monday, October 14, 2013

Drunk, *HicDial Congress. Hey .drinks for EVERYBODY!

Pissed off at Congress? Feel totally helpless about the situation in Washington? Unable to take a trip to D.C. or buy any tar and feathers? Fear not fellow helpless peons. A new web site now allows you to call those stinkin' motherf****rs and tell them exactly what you think.

AND .you can do it under the guise of being drunk. Because, as we all know, we're all a bunch of panty waists when it comes to telling our elected officials, (and spouses) exactly what we think of them unless we're totally blotto on booze.

Now the site, "Drunk Dial Congress" allows you to do just that. Which is drunk dial Congress with a little bit of help and guidance from their site. Which is great if you're actually drunk.

Here's how it works. The site created by "Revolution Messaging," allows you to enter your telephone number on their site. Within five minutes time you will receive a return automated phone call from someone who appears to be drunk who will then suggest to you ways in which you can give Congress a piece of your mind.

From that point you are connected to a random lawmaker to vent your frustrations. Doesn't matter if the Congressman is yours or not, they're all a bunch of a**holes, so one a**hole Congressman is as a good as another when it comes to venting.


But, if you're kinda at a loss for words and talking points other than, "WTF are you freakin' a**wipes doing in Washington?" the site offers some suggestions called "talking points" such as the one below.


"If You Can Yell At A Park Ranger After Forcing The Government To Shut Down Then I Get To Yell At You"

There are suggestions as well for mixing up a few drinks just in case you wanna really get drunk. Such as drinks called, "The Sleepy Senator," or "The Bloody Bastard," I guess, in deference to a "Bloody Mary."

Now when you are directed to a Congressman keep in mind that there is no telling which party that Congressman is from when you're connected. So you'll have no idea if you're talking to a Republican, Democrat, or just happen to get connected to a Capitol closet with a phone and catch John Boehner with an intern while he's getting a boner.


(having a name like "Boehner" and being in Congress is like me having my first name of "Dick" and putting up with all those "gum on your Dick" jokes) Ya just can't pass up using a good boner or Dick line.

Of course I'm assuming most Congressmen will abruptly hang up the phone when you call. Just like they, for the most part, avoid responding to letters that you send them via e-mail. Actually they don't respond to anything. Which is quite obvious if you watch what's going on in Washington. Bastards.

But, I for one am used to being ignored anyhow. Doesn't bother me at all. I figure if my other half ignores me 99% of the time, what's the freakin' difference.

Being ignored by my Congressman doesn't piss me off more than being ignored by Ron Howard, (Opie) Yep .Opie ignored me. Little bastard.


Ya see, I know no one is gonna respond to any of my e-mails in Washington just as I know no one is gonna respond to my actual snail mails in the entertainment industry. BUT .when I send a U.S.P.S Priority Mail package containing important stuff to a guy like Ron Howard and it costs me $5.60 to mail it and they return it to me "UNOPENED" then I go berserk.

(I, on a "nothing ventured, nothing gained" whim, sent Howard a copy of my novel, 'The Covert Chamber" thinking it might inspire him. So much for that idea)

I am presently refusing to ever watch another Ron Howard directed movie.


So like that "Drunk Dial Congress" site, I think those of us who have ever sent an actual letter to ANYONE who has never responded or refused our letters, we need to have a similar site, say like "F**K Dial Celebrities."

You dial the "F**K Dial Celebrities" line and some guy answers the phone spewing out a bunch of really off-color words like, "motherf***er, or a**wipe," just to get you all worked up, and then you're directed to a random celebrity after receiving a list of suggestions on what to say to them .like ..

"Hey you SOB. I just spent $12 bucks at a movie theater watchin' your dumb ass movie and it was a bomb. I want a stinkin refund."

Or perhaps something a bit more subtle. "Look you freakin' bozos. If I pay $15 bucks for a Blu Ray DVD to add to my collection I don't want any f**king commercial advertising on it! If I want advertising I'll watch regular TV or ride a damn bus and stare at advertising there ya idiots."

So I personally think the concept of "Drunk Dial Congress' is a great idea and it should be expanded to other areas.

Which also gives us yet another excuse for getting drunk.

Oh yeah .F**K you Opie. And the Mayberry RFD truck you rode in to Hollywood on too.

Just sayin.'

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