Tuesday, January 7, 2014

2014, I accept your challenge!

So I changed A LOT of my music on my phone and let's see where this one goes. This whole blog is kickin off with [Up All Night - Unwritten Law] and it's certainly fitting. Similar art for the cover on the 'Elva' album as 'Greyest' had. Hopefully by the end of this blog I'll have a resolutions too. That's my hope anyways :p Since I started doing them a few years back they've actually helped. [You - Finger Eleven] I didn't see anyone really last night and just spent the night inside. Years before we've done friends Christmas' and other things and actually brought in the New Years with friends. I just wasn't feeling like it last night...until 9pm an it was already too late to be able to. Watched the movie 'Up' with my mom and pups and that was a pretty excellent time. Was even planning on drinking but just had Sunkist to remember that one New Years Eve...stayed up til 5am though. Just thinking about everything. [A Star-Crossed Wasteland -In This Moment] a lot of my thoughts centered around being single and if I really want to try to be in a relationship again. I feel like my heart is still broken up quite a bit and not ready yet to throw back into the ring, but that hasn't stopped the other half that longs for someone to touch and hold. Working on trying to find a sheltered medium for the time being. I have told one of my exes what she meant to me and how I think about her as I pass the place we met. I think I pass it every other week it seems. Last year's final two months were a bloody mess. Looking back I didn't realize it til just now. My armor was heavy and I didn't take it off to see I was actually wounded underneath. [It's Not You - Halestorm] Telling her all this really exposed me and was a foolish move. I wasn't trying to get back with her or anything like that, I just felt it might like to know that I did care and something that ripped us apart was bigger than we could've ever compensated for...

[Prayers - In This Moment] We are gonna get really serious because this is heavy on my mind lately and just feel like putting this down on paper. So people know some of the darkest shit I've dealt with. To get it off my mind hopefully so I can get back to a good place and slow the bleed. My hope is to be 'buttoned up' an not leaving myself so vulnerable by March. I don't think this 'being so open' about everything is a good way to be but for now I'm going to use it to full extent. What I'm about to tell is something only a few friends know. Also something that had made the past few years a little more difficult than normal. [Bulls on Parade - Rage Against the Machine] There was a moment I wanted to have my own kids. Me and Chops had always talked about having out kids running around the yard and playing with each other while our wives were in the kitchen making a meal and we were just sitting on the porch. It's a harder reality for me to think about these days because I've actually lost one. Tore me up on the inside pretty badly. I could only sit back and watch my entire life crumble it seemed. I wore a good poker face and let very few people in. When I speak about coincidences and being a bad thing in my life, this was the first one I had when everything lined up. That's why I get nervous when coincidences start rapid firing...[A Stranger - A Perfect Circle] I don't think there is a harder discussion to have than 'what should we do?' talk and the word 'abortion' is an option. We had that very serious talk...and by the end I was excited to become a dad. I was ready to pass my blood along and teach a demon how to use his powers for good :p I remember spending time just talking about all these things with her. We kept it a secret from everyone because we were nervous as hell. Things had happened in the past making things difficult for her to have kids...but things were going great. I was ready to be there for 'Lennon' (trust me, I wasn't thrilled with that name but was excited for a son so his name didn't matter all that much to me). I had prior obligations to taking parts for my brothers college to him. It was the night before I left that it happened. We were out with friends that night...we were enjoying everything...she disappeared as my favorite band got up to play at the concert we were at. I called her to find out where she was and she just told me to stay and have fun with my friends and to come over afterwards......I had never drove so wrecklessly through town. I dropped off friends and got right back to her. To hold her as she told me she had lost our child. I held her hand through the night and wiped away her tears...I had to leave in the morning and there was nothing I could do beyond that. I met up with my friend in the morning to get gas money for the trip and told him what had happened...he was the only one who knew what was going on...and the first time I had cried in public. My mind was scattered in a million different places for that 10 hour drive. I was able to gather myself by the end if the drive...but that was easily one of the most painful things I've ever gone through. [Tribute - Tenacious D] I was a wreck and fell all apart. I wasn't able to keep track of my mind and most importantly I wasn't able to be there for her...when I realized THAT I felt like the worst person in the world. Hitler had higher rankings than I did at that moment. I cared for her but I was young and my brain and heart were shattered. I wish I could've gone back to that moment and been there for her. I honestly believe we weren't supposed to be together and this is all part of a bigger plan, but to lose all of that as if you were a criminal shackled to the walls of a dungeon and not able to do anything about it...it still stings to think about.

[Chemicals Between Us - Bush] So now that is out in the open air, you now know one of my most painful moments and insight further than I usually let friends. This is a pretty heavy blog now and trying to get to a better place but don't want to seem like that just didn't matter. This song is actually from a Berserk video which is just another coincidence. Guts lost a child too. [Dizzy - Orgy] let's talk about this year coming up though. By mid year I think Primal will be steerin the ship and I will be giving my beast some room and air to be able to grow. I need this anger inside me to keep everything burning well. I've been looking to others to light this fire because I took most of the power away from Primal. This power is inside of me and started to trust people and hope they were able to help me on the shitty days. After trudging through a few of them in the last couple months I think it is just going to be much easier if I work on carrying myself. You will most likely see my fuse getting shorter (even though it's quite long now) and me not be so much about love and peace and shit. [The Asylum - Edguy] know that I do care about you all more than I will ever be able to put into words. I'll make it back to this serenity I have now, but I'll be even better. If I can't challenge myself, I'll never be able to get stronger. My mind is stronger than my will right now. My will is what gets me through day-to-day. It has to compensate for all the factors of thinking about all this stuff inside my mind and keep all the major systems online and everything else. I honestly think once I build my will up that my paintings will get even better. I'm concerning myself less with my heart because I know it's always going to be able to love. It's been on overdrive lately and the great days have been made even better because I've been able to share this love with others. This flame I hold though needs to be enough to consume myself though. I need to be able to survive my own fire. I need to know I still have those strengths available to me. So as I enter 2014, I welcome this challenge of continuing to work on myself. (Honestly this song is ridiculous how much it makes sense right now). I want to at least write in my journal once a week. [Heartless - Dia Frampton] I hope to write at least one blog entry a week. Work on my stories as well. I think 'Cataclysm' is the one that's going to come to light. I also want to finish the canvases I have now and have an actual showing at the coffee shop in May. I also have to finish the 9th Ox Hour by April. I also want to screen print the tops of the discs as well! These are the most undertakings I am putting on myself. Once it starts warming up too in the spring I'm going to work on walking more and getting into shape.

[Simple Man - Deftones] that's a good way to end this up. Resolute to Jan/Feb closing up my heart and working on my internals and my will. Finding why I want to keep going is important right now. I lost that the last two months and I have to find it before I can make it stronger. March/April I am going to channeling anger and such to come up with better paintings and really reflect a style I'm yet to see in my own designs. Mid-April for Ox9. Mid-May for an art show. (Also with cases of Ox hours with the new 9. Probably only will need 15 sets). Once spring is here, start walking/get a giant tire to tumble down the driveway/an work on bushido. That's for the first half of the year. After that it will come down to focusing on my stories. I want to work on Cata for NaNo next year so I will be heavily outlining it. Blogs and journal writings once a week. I also want to finish the Game of Thrones books by the end of the year. [Darkness Within - Machinehead] I also would love to start working with Poser at some point this year and animating the Quarter Series and other stories. Maybe Electric Fire and Demons Tail. But I certainly want to get Angels Tears done too. I'm gonna work on my sketching too.
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