Monday, January 20, 2014

Chariot on fire

Chariot on Fire


Then entire Sarchasm family including the menagerie of pets went for a walk, down to the play park, which was at the end of our street. Grandparents (My wife pushing me in the manual wheelchair), parents (my daughter and SIL), two granddaughters, (daughter's kids, 1 of 18mths and 1 of 6 mths), each in their own push chair, my son (23), two Labradors (Widdle and Puke, for obvious reasons) and one Maltese cross Cocker Spaniel (Hali, short for halitosis) and last but not least, Liquorice, (an assortment of breeds, who's father must have been in a gang and mother a good time girl who had both been on crack). The stupid little brak was as miserable as sin and twice as nasty with everyone else but me. Anything untoward happens and she will bite the first available paw, toe or finger. She seems to have adopted me as her pet project and any stranger that comes within spitting distance of me is threatened and barked at by this cheeky little squirt, as she protects me with her life.

We were all sitting watching the kids while SIL pushed them on the swings, blissfully absorbing the warmth from the sun. The dogs leashes were tied to my wheelchair so that they wouldn't run into the nearby road and to stop them from chasing the kids on the swings.

A passing car backfired! --- Being South African, everybody, including the dogs, ducked involuntarily while trying to see if it was a hijacking or robbery taking place.

All of the dogs are chicken hearted when it came to loud bangs, so I was patting them to reassure them when the car backfired again, right behind us. Widdle the biggest dog with the smallest heart jumped to his feet and the others soon followed suit, Liquorice took evasive action and promptly bit him on the tail. He gave one shudder a bark/yelp and took off for home. Puke the other Labrador took his cue and drew level with him and the two pavement specials were right on their heels, but the stupid friggin idiots forgot that they were tied to my wheelchair. The wheel spin as we took off would have done credit to any drag racer, as with smoking wheels, the dogs, chariot and I, left smoking wheel marks through the grass in our quarter mile dash for home and safety.

We shot off the pavement and as the houses passed by me in a blur of speed I kept shouting STOP STOP STOP! @#$%^&*(&^%$#@ Maybe they couldn't understand English and thought I was shouting mush or tallyho, because they just kept running. My wife, son and daughter tried to stop them but they couldn't get anywhere near to catching up to me or the dogs.

Parked cars whisked by as if they were reversing as fast as they could go, as this berserk cavalcade went screaming and barking up the road. When we hit the first corner we were doing at least 100mph and there was no gear changing or slackening of speed going into the corner, I shut my eyes and clung on. Zooming around corners on one wheel while my ear scraped a furrow in the tar was not my idea of fun but when I started swearing at the dogs in fear they ran even faster.

As we neared our gate they slackened off slightly but it didn't last long. The dogs turned left, and I kept going straight, because I couldn't steer the thing. The wheels were turning too fast for me to attempt any touching to steer and I would have only burned my hands. The chair eventually decided to follow the dogs and I took off like a jet fighter plane as I hit the driveway ramp. I came down to earth once, then a second time, then permanently.

Dogs stopped, but I couldn't because the designers had decided that the brakes were best placed behind me. What friggin idiots! Anyhow, I ploughed into the dogs and landed in a tangle of dogs, wheelchair, legs and arms, as stars and lights and bells and whistles circled my head. I lay there with a wheelchair, two 8Okg Labradors and one 10kg brakkie lying on top of me in a heap while they tried to lick the skin off my face. Liquorice was going totally moggie by this time, as she snapped at everything in sight while trying to protect me from the onslaught.

Once I had managed to unhook my legs from behind my head, I fought myself into a sitting position, mouthing curses and spitting gravel out of my mouth. Liquorice sat on my lap growling and snarling with great gusto while she proceeded to void her bladder all over me.

I don't think we will ever tie anything to my chair ever again.
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