Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Wanna Be The Strongest! Episode 03

My head hurts.

Not because of the shit I'm watching, though that's not going to help at all. No, I'm sick.

I think I can blame my illness on these crappy shows. My being ill is totally related to them sucking very much, that is a proven fact because I say so. Also, this is the internet, so it makes anything I say totally true.

Right, so guess how this episode starts? Why, with the only reason people watch this show, by showing the main character being wrassled and screaming in erotic agony.

Seven seconds in and this show is going places.

NSFW places, but places nonetheless.

All those lovely shots from last episode are being replayed for your viewing pleasure all over again, because they have nothing better to do. Also, there's a really nice shot where the camera is shoved so far up her crotch, you can't even tell what you're looking at. It honestly just looks like a fleshy-colored mess.

Seriously, what the hell is this even? A mess, that's what.

Also sweaty boobs and close-ups of her face that last for about ten seconds before she gives up. She's lost ten times in a row, and the OP starts up as she rolls over on the mat.

For that entire first minute, I can safely say my time has been wasted. What did you show me? Something that wants to straddle the line of being porn as hard as possible. It's like they have stock footage of her screaming on the mat and god damn it they are gonna use the ever-loving shit out of it.

So when the episode stats back up, even her fans are starting to wonder what the hell is up, considering due to all the losses, there's only like, three fans now. They've decided to give up on her because all she does is give in once she starts getting pummeled on. She's got no backbone, and that's not what they bought into - they were all fired up over her guts, which have been beaten on so much they're just a bag of mush at this point. And you know who likes mush? People without teeth.

So Sakura goes to her next match looking like shit, and we note that her fanbase is much diminished. Doesn't stop them from reusing the SAME GODDAMN FOOTAGE THOUGH.

These guys are so unimportant, they don't even get

more than a single camera shot.

It must be nice to get paid to re-use the same thirty shots for an entire 23-minute production every week. Cuts down on all that other shit you have to animate, especially when the only things moving are the face that is taking up THE ENTIRE F***ING SCREEN. Unless they're trying (and failing) to convey a sense of scale, like in that previous shot there. Christ.

Then we see her butt as she falls to the mat and gets sat on again, then there's the close up of her sweaty crotch as she talks for ten seconds, then she's begging and reaching for the ropes, and she says fuggit and gives up. Cue the sad music and the montage where she gives up over and over while people sit on her butt and the camera shakes all dramatic-like.

Just ignore the fact that the only thing that really changes in any of these shots is the proximity of the camera to the character's face, or that the person sitting on her changes. They're got all these shots of her being wrassled, they are damn well gonna use them, even if it means cheaping out by slapping someone else's character sprite on top of her.

Oh look a different camera angle for a change. It's still

boring as hell, like the rest of this show.

Sakura looks up at her one lone fan and cries because the entire crowd is totally bored. Then they get to the next match where Sakura is, once again, being wrassled in exactly the same manner and, once again, she is completely unable to do anything.

Jesus, this show is so bad even the nameless crowd

is getting bored of it.

So for like the tenth time in six minutes we see Sakura giving up, and the crowd starts heckling her, with only one lone fan to try defending her, but the crowd is right: this shit is boring as hell. It's literally the exact same thing every single time. As she sits in the break room listening the the next match (which, I must add, THEY DONT BOTHER SHOWING AT ALL BECAUSE THEY ARE LAZY F***ERS) she flashes back to that thing we saw LESS THAN A MINUTE AGO. She can't make the audience happy, so why even bother trying? Then she's up next again, and time for a BWQ Singles Match. Whatever the hell that shit is.

This little match-up is Misaki versus the Blob. Misaki is the reigning champion, here to defend her title against a gang using ropes and boxes and bamboo sticks. She goes down pretty quickly because, well, I guess the plot dictates that? She refuses to quit though, even when there's like, five people holding her down and choking the shit out of her. But She's all just like "eh, whatever" and lets herself get beat up and shit until she starts whupping ass. Then Sakura gets dragged into the ring to hold back the rabble while Misaki piledrives the fat bitch, and congrats she has won again.


I was going to turn this into a gif, then decided nobody

deserves this sort of treatment. NO ONE.

So after seeing this, Sakura has decided she's gotta be more like this bitch. Because we all know that despite never wrestling before she totally DIDNT WATCH ANY OTHER FIGHTS AT ALL WHILE SHE WAS TRAINING. My god. One would think that, if you are totally unfamiliar with something you'd at least try to take some of it in to see what the big damn deal was.

Then we get a commercial for what can only be Sweet Diva. I hope you like seeing clear blue skies interspersed with ten frames of a girl in front of a clear blue sky for a good minute, because that's what you're in for. While listening to pop music. Oh, and Sakura getting sat on again in the ring and losing.

Then the Sweets are all doing some meet and greet thing where people walk up and they shake hands, while we see Sakura get her shit kicked in, again. While crying out all erotically and shit.

I hate this show because it is so agonizingly BORING. Also because of no seizure warning. BUT MOSTLY BECAUSE IT IS BORING AS SHIT. I can summarize the entire episode in one sentence: Sakura gets wrestled and loses a lot. THERE. This is not entertaining. This is not even remotely enjoyable. Even if you're the kind of person who is watching this show to get off on a sweaty girl getting wrestled, you're in for a disappointment because all you're going to get is the exact same shit you saw the last two episodes.

My usual complaint about slice-of-life anime? Is that nothing happens. Well this is not a slice-of-life anime and EVEN LESS IS HAPPENING HERE. Worst of all THEY ARE STILL SHOWING US THE SAME SHIT THAT WE HAVE SEEN THE LAST TWO EPISODES.

And in this episode alone you've been forced to

watch almost every single one.

Congrats you are now the biggest loser in the history of Berserk. Everyone is calling for her to give up and throws empty cans, and she walks off and goes home to mope in the dark watching nothing on the TV that is on. Then we get to see more flashbacks because flashbacks are totally the thing you need three episodes into your series. EVEN FLASHBACKS OF ALL THE LOSSES SUFFERED SINCE THIS EPISODE F***ING STARTED.

So she cries and say shse can't do it anymore and sees her backstabbing best friend on TV looking all happy and shit, and she realizes that she can't even crawl back to her old job even if she quits this. Who'd have thought that switching careers was such a stupid move.

Then we head over to the gym where Sakura has decided not to show up for work today. She's off to the boss' office to hand in her resignation, but Misaki shows up and Sakura loses her will to quit. My god, how spineless can you possibly be? She goes to walk off but Misaki asks her to spar against her later, because why not? After a minute she decides to accept because why the hell not?

So now it's just the two of them, and they attempt the Fusion Dance.

Any minute now... aaaany minute...

Everything she tries she just gets trumped by her opponent simply using her own moves against her. Then we're treated to an agonizingly long period of time where she just sits there and screams for minutes on end. No music. Nothing but the sound of crackling leather and and Sakura's screaming while tits and crotches get shoved into our faces.

And, just like everything else, it ends the same way it always does, with her getting sat on.

So for like, the twelfth time today, we see the exact same shit, again, and she inner monologues about quitting because she just can't take this shit any more. She apologizes for letting everyone down and cries and we see more flashbacks, and she says goodbye to pro wrestling and being an idol.

Then she finally gives up, but Misaki is all "eh screw that, this ain't a match, so if you're gonna survive you'll have to do something" and ups the pain. End of episode!

Boy. That was a real waste of time. Not just of my time, or the time of anyone who actually bothered to WATCH this shit, but of YOUR time.

And that is the most inexcusable waste of all.

Can't wait for this to be off the air... because my god this show SUCKS.
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