As I was lounging about, as I often tend to do, a strange thought occurred to me while trying to prepare myself to watch this episode.
I Wanna Be the Strongest In the World is, quite possibly, a contender for the worst anime I've ever seen.
Free! was kinda bad, but I'll admit that it's definitely the best bad anime I've forced myself to sit through. Kodomo no Jikan was simply a nightmare I care never to repeat again. And yet, despite being an anime about an idol-turned-wrestler, this show is somehow competing with a story of how an elementary school student wants to rape her teacher.
Dear god how is this even possible?!
So this show, like with all other episodes before it, picks up immediately where the last one was, and I have to choke back a sob because that means I have to watch her declare that she wants to be the strongest in the world again while some random girl in the crowd runs off talking about how awesome wrestling is.Crowd goes while, random girl jumps, opening occurs, and open manly weeping commences. Because I don't wanna. I don't wanna why do I have to put myself through this shit.
So then that random girl? She just suddenly turns up at Berkserk's gym.
NO. WE ARE NOT DOING THIS AGAIN. NO.
I am bracing myself for the WHOA WAIT WHAT.
The gym is bigger on the inside, it would seem.
LOOK AT THAT TINY F***ING BUILDING. I KNOW JAPAN IS FULL OF TINY SPACES BUT HOW THE HELL DO THEY FIT EVERYTHING IN THAT TINY ASS BUILDING?! YOU CANNOT EVEN FIT THAT F***ING TRAINING RING THEY HAVE IN THERE WHAT THE CRAP IS THIS SHIT.
The girl then proceeds to run around hugging punching bags, jumping on the weight training machines and screaming "this is awesome!" the entire time, distracting everyone from the fact that THERE IS SOMETHING VERY WRONG WITH THE WAY ALL OF THIS SHIT FITS INSIDE AN IMPOSSIBLY TINY BUILDING.
Oh, and new girl just decides to climb up on one of the wrestling posts just because.
How tragic would it be if she slipped and broke her neck?
She the falls and fails to break her neck after someone yells at her.
They don't even moved. Probably too shocked by the
realization this room is bigger than it should be.
Oh, and this girl has already flashed her panties in our face twice this episode, and we're less than three minutes in. I'd suggest beginning a pantsu counter but let's face it, we're going to be having her snatch shoved in our faces by the end of the episode anyways, so there's really no point in it.
So Rio (dusty etc etc) yells at her for playing around in the ring and she's all clearly ignoring reality around her already. She's a natural fit for this place.
Yeah no one except THOSE TWO PEOPLE IN THE RING.
You know what we're missing here? A sample of the quality of animation in this show. That's what we're missing here. Let's just show you how utterly horrible this shit is.
Sixteen agonizingly long seconds you will never get back.
She gets all pissy saying she's not a brat, and Rio is all "okay look if you can beat me in a match then you can do whatever" and I just have to say: These guys have the WORST security ever, if random people can just walk in and get wrassled.
... please don't let her beat you after saying that...
Oh, it's no big deal though because she just lightning kicks Rio right then and there knocking her ass on the floor. Yeah. No big deal.
Any pretense of being based in reality is so far removed
Now the new girl is all wondering what the deal is, and she is quickly identified as being the president's niece. You have got to be shitting me.
Moe. Her name. Is Moe. Moe.
F**k. This. Show.
Her name. Is. Moe. As in, the Japanese word for "cute".
THAT. IS NOT. HER NAME.
KILL. ME. NOW.
Even her uncle has no freaking idea what she's going on about. Not that I can blame them, with language skills like hers, I'm surprised she's even let out of the house to begin with.
When the closest a translator can get to what is being said
is "amazeballs", you are in deep shit.
She even gets f***ing stars in her eyes.
How long is she going to stand there in the background
like that? Shit is uncomfortable.
So now that she has attempted to molest their new rising star, they decide now is the time to properly introduce her.
... I hate you so much right now, Moe.
... you know, if it wasn't for the fact that I'd forgotten entirely that Sakura is only 17, I'd probably be flipping out about the fact that this girl is two years younger, and can just outright destroy one of their best wrestlers with a single kick. Though, really? The fact that a 17-year-old girl took on the world champ and survived says a lot about this show.
But it gets worse, since this girl isn't actually his real niece. Instead, she's the granddaughter of some wrestler that "helped me out when I was in the ring". By the way, there's an overabundance of scenes that are 20+ seconds long with people just standing there doing nothing. No camera cuts. Nothing. They're just frozen while someone's mouth moves just the tiniest amount to indicate that they are talking.
Someone should send these guys back to animation school and teach them what the f**k the principles of animation are before they ever try animating anything ever again.
No-neck Rio looks constipated.
Oh. And Moe just so happens to kind of be the high-school division world champion of Bugen-ryu karate.
... wait, what? First of wall, how do high schools have a world championship division for ANYTHING, second of all, what in the HELL is Bugen-ryu? Even Google thinks I must be smoking something or misspelling it.
Translation: She's blowing the owner.
Right. Okay. So she's so awesome he wants to make her a wrestler.
... you know what? At this point, I don't even care anymore. They've pretty much just said "eh screwit, anything goes" because the odds that anyone is still watching this show are pretty low. Nobody cares. That's why all of the characters just stand around, the camera lazy hovers over the same scene forever, and quite frankly, you can just tell nobody gives a shit about this show.
Oh but hold on. He's been trying to get her to become a wrestler for some time? But it wasn't until she saw Sakura's fight the night before that she decided she wanted to go for it?Uh, what?
She wants to be her disciple.Am I the only person here who is confused as f**k?
No, I'm not because even Sakura is going "wtf I am still new to this what are you talking about" but this girl isn't going to take no for an answer because, well, because. So now it's her job to train this girl who can probably kick her ass. Time to show Sakura wrestling that one chick in the green while she does an inner monologue about how much it sucked being in a Boston Crab back in the day. Oh how long ago that was. She is clearly experienced now.
Two episodes. Such a long time ago.
Wait. This is the new girl. She must be wearing someone else's uniform or something. Either that or she just looks exactly like one of the other characters. Whatever. Okay so she's all "okay can't give up guess I'll go to the ropes" and Sakura has to ask herself: What the hell?
So she ramps up the pain while playing the most inappropriate music possible. Y'know the lighthearted "oh this is one of those funny situations" kind of lazy bouncing around music. She's just doing what was done to her, but the girl is all stealing her thunder going "oh so this is pro wrestling right??!"
Ignore that howling sound you hear in the distance. That's just me crying in agony.
There is simply everything wrong with the perspective
and anatomical proportions here. EVERYTHING.
Moe continues to be excited and everyone thinks this is funny, but then we go over to the Miyabi gym? Which is some other gym I'm supposed to remember? Whatever, some girls are all wrestling around because that's what they do in wrestling, and they tell us these different move names and then someone claps. Oh, I see why we're watching this now.
It's this bitch again.
Jackal takes a few moments to compliment her fighting technique before telling her why she's come. She wants to ask this girl something. Her name is Juri. Dun dun duuun. Cut to them having tea. Juri used to be part of the "Shangri-La" circuit before she left a year ago... to form her own wrestling circuit?
Okay. Whatever. But the real question Jackal has is this: Why did she put on an 'official mask' and crash the match?
What kind of world do we live in where people can just waltz into a wrestling match unannounced?!?!?!
Cue some flashback sequences, and she's all just like "okay yeah so that was me so what I am the mystery Blue Panther". What is she after? Oh that's obvious, she wants to take down Sakura.
I hate. This. Show. I hate this show. I hate it. I hate the people who made it. I hate myself for watching this. But most of all, I hate the fact this ever saw TV. And we're barely halfway through.
Next day Moe is all coming into the gym after classes and everyone's all "oh right we forgot you are a high school student" and they're all changing in the locker room and shit. Then Rio gets all pissy and magically reveals Moe has been training here for over a month already. My god, they just give no shits about leaping through time I guess, because in thirty seconds we've suddenly shot forward a month. Then Sakura shows up and reveals that everyone is waiting for the new girl.
Welcome to that part where they put you through all of this shit you've already been put through again because they have no better ideas.
No, putting a 15-year-old girl through this is a bit much.
They throw her around quite a bit because it's technically not child abuse here. Throw throw throw, and Sakura just watches as she goes through this with barely any screaming.
NO SHIT SHERLOCK.
Wrestling is different from Karate. Who'd have thought. But this is a lot for her to take, probably because she's only, y'know, fifteen, but whatever. Within a minute we've managed to get to round 90, which is inevitably the part where Sakura gets to toss her around like a sack of potatoes. My only question is - why the HELL couldn't they have done this for the rest of the series?! Whatever. Last ten throws, Sakura gets right down to it while everyone else watches.
Finally we get to the last friggin' throw, and she gets up, and announces that she and Sakura something. Then down she goes for the last time with her tiny little boobs bouncing around, and she slowly brings herself up to her feet, and congrats you are now a pro.
The only other time creepy old men say that to young girls
all involve porn. You realize this, right?
Happy time music and yay she is awesome and somehow has the energy to jump and... throw herself out of the ring?
She's causing the laws of physics to break down now.
So noe Moe is a pro Wrestler. And for her first match, she wants to... go against Sakura. Oh boy. She then declares her undying love for Sakura while rubbing her face in her chest, and Sakura feels pretty weird about this. And she should. Because she's probably about to totally lose this match.
Then Rio is all like "oh yeah well remember our official matchup?" and she's all just like "well duh no shit" and then it's time for the match. By the way, the match is, of course, Rio versus Sakura. Cue the laser light show and the shitty 3D animated crowd that hasn't changed at all. I guess they're going to spend the rest of the episode introducing the wrestlers and finding way ts to avoid the match because, frankly, I doubt they have any time left, but we'll see, maybe they'll decide not to stretch a fight out through half a goddamn episode for once.
They're about to... exchange bouquets or some shit? But suddenly, an assassin arrives! And it's totally the Blue Panther in a black robe who grabs the flowers and starts slapping Sakura with them. Y'know, just because. Rio gets pissed off, but then the assassin is all just like "yeah whatever" and that one lady recognizes her as being Juri and then Rio passes out from a sleeper hold.
Now Blue Panther reveals herself and Sakura is like "what's your deal bitch?"
You know there are easier ways to do this...?
She pretty much accuses her of destroying the sport, what with being an amateur all trying to act pro and is all like "man you're an eyesore" and she gets all upset.
They love re-using shit.
Then Blue Panther refuses to... accept Sakura as a real wrestler?
But hold on. You aren't even in her circuit, so who the hell do you think you are? You can't just waltz into other people's competitive rings and start spouting nonsense like that when you aren't even in the same league as them officially. Because that means you are technically not recognized either so what the f**k.
But whatever. Like I said. Nobody cares about this show anymore. They just need some way to pad the end of the show at this point, even if her appearance was completely planned since she's been in the opening since day one and they are just now introducing her as a character.
If she loses this match, she must retire from pro wrestling. At least according to this lady who just randomly crashed the party. So sure, why not. She's already been pissing all over Berserk, and Misaki is all "hey, don't accept this" and she's like "whatevs, I got this". But she has a counter-proposal for this mystery wrestler.
Oh. If she loses, she needs to take off the mask and apologize to everyone for being a bitch, so she accepts. Then she just kind of runs off.
..... wait, I thought you were going to have a wrestling match? You can't just crash a wrestling match, take out one of the contenders, and then run off. Especially not if this was a planned event! After all, what the hell, I thought you guys were going to go BANKRUPT from having to refund peoples tickets for a match that couldn't take place?! Is that not the same thing here?!?!?
NO THIS IS STUPID AUUUGH.
Jackal goes on to say that this will change the entire face of Japanese Women's Wrestling, but how? I don't know but I do know one thing: If this shit happened in the WWF, THEY WOULD FOLLOW THAT SHIT UP WITH A GODDAMN FIGHT AT LEAST.
END OF EPISODE.
NOW IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME I NEED TO GO STUFF SOMETHING FULL OF SOMETHING EXPLOSIVE BECAUSE THIS SHOW IS PISSING ME OFF THAT MUCH.